Rites, Sacraments, and Other Ceremonies

We are delighted to offer a variety of services for members of our congregation; these include (but are not limited to):

Baptisms

Without question, full-immersion Baptisms serve as one of our favorite rites. Making a public statement regarding your devotion to our Lord and Savior can serve as one of your greatest testaments of your love for Him.

Word of Warning: While we thrive on baptizing new believers into the service of our Lord, our clergy has not been granted with the gift of discernment. As a result, there have been a few rather unfortunate incidences where individuals who were not sincere (in other words, they were liars) in their desire for Salvation at the time they were baptized and . . . well. . . um . . .let's just say that instead of being filled with the Holy Ghost they instead "gave up their ghost" and didn't survive the full-immersion process. Tragically, such events are always fatal.

Divorces

God condemns them and so do we - don't even think about asking! If you tell the truth, saying "I do" means you can never say "Good bye."

Exorcisms

Our specialty! We are especially interested in exorcising evil college administrators, instructors who masquerade as real "professors" (even though they have bought their graduate degrees from diploma mills), and lying shysters. While our ministry has blessed us with the gift of clarity in identifying such individuals, we're still waiting for God to reveal to us just how to deal with these perpetual liars; therefore, we make no guarantees as to the efficacy of our exorcisms.

Funerals

We hate the sight of dead rotting carcases and prefer not to officiate at such events. We strongly urge our congregation to seek out members of the clergy who are not bothered by the smell of death. God bless you for your kind understanding.

Marriages

Sure, we do weddings! The only problem is, no one has ever asked us to officiate at one; therefore, we're not sure if we would "get it right." Just in case someone does ask us, we believe that marriage is for life and that God forbids divorce. Those who divorce their spouse deserve to rot in Hell.

Abortion

God condemns those who accept awards from Roman Catholic universities while at the same time serving on the Board of Directors of Satanic organizations that promote ripping live humans out of their mothers' wombs. These evil monsters will surely rot in Hell forever. They may be murders in this life, but they'll get a chance to spend an eternirty with their master, the Father of all lies, forever. Of course, they have only themselves to blame.